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Eternal Wings
As A Star Must Fade
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Written by Anja Geenen
Chapter Two : The Last Fight
Part One : The Announcement
Why kept Freddie it a secret for so long, even for his closest colleagues and even for friends? Didn't he trust them enough? Or was he afraid himself, to face the truth? A decision John could hardly understand, though he understood why he would keep it a secret for the press. It was a hard secret to carry, and the fact he couldn't tell anyone, not even family, made it all even more difficult.
John watched out of the window, he was driven to Garden Lodge, Freddie's house where his complete entourage still was. John was invited by Phoebe to talk a little about forgotten times and memories. To support each other to go on, and to drink the Champaign Freddie insisted on having in the house for when he was dead. "Drink Champaign when I'm gone," he said, to celebrate his life. John was not sure if he felt like drinking Champaign, he was even not sure if he would go there, though he was on his way already. The memory of the announcement stayed with him and he drifted away, thinking about it and the period after the announcement.
* * *
Freddie had decided, he let the other members of Queen coming to his house in Kensington. Quiet conversation as they sat in the living room. Freddie knew there was no right time to tell any bad news like this, he just had to tell it. He had waited a long time, thinking he could keep it as a secret, but he couldn't. The disease he had was taking more and more strength from him, his body was weakening. Freddie knew the rumours were more and more spread into the Queen organization, feed by his weak body and bad looks. Freddie knew the other three had wondered what was going on, Brian had come to his house a few times to talk and Roger had tried to figure out a few times in the studio's. John hadn't said a word about it, but Freddie saw him looking and thinking, worried. He had waited a long time with telling his closest colleagues, now they needed to hear the truth. Freddie cleared his voice, uncomfortable feelings were running inside his body. Three pair of eyes were watching him suspiciously and waiting for anything he had to tell them. Freddie's eyes went around over Brian's face, John's and Roger's, then he started: "You probably know what's going on…" The three nodded silently. "I don't want to talk about it anymore after today and I want you to keep it a secret, okay?" Freddie's eyes were scanning the faces of his former colleagues, he expected total honest from them, total secret. "Don't talk about it with anybody, not even with your own family. Promise me!" Stunned silence for a moment, then Roger said: "How can we keep this a secret Fred?" Freddie looked disturbed at Roger as he answered: "Just do it okay." Roger couldn't do anything then just agreeing on it, and it was the same for Brian and John. After they promised Freddie not to talk about it with anybody Freddie went on: "Listen guys, this is it. I just want to go on making music till I fucking drop. Now let's forget about this afternoon and we can go on, okay?" Again they agreed. They had another drink, talked silently about anything except Freddie's sickness and went home like nothing had happened, like nothing was said. Though the situation had changed forever, the feeling was one of discomfort, but another fight had started. With their backs to the wall, they started their new fight. This time not a fight against the press, the outside world and their own talents, but a fight against a disease, the time. A fight for their friendship and for 'Eternal Fame'.
Has anything changed? John bet it had, Freddie didn't answer. Freddie didn't want anything to change. He worked hard, he had a new reason to get going. This time Freddie knew he couldn't win, but still, he had to win. He had to win the last things he could win. Keeping the fairy tale up, avoiding the truth, he chose that way and there was no way back. Trying to get out of himself as much as possible. Still the best quality, still with his own band, but a new fight and bound to lose. Freddie wanted to win that last thing to win, he wanted to let the world see, that he and his band were still the winners and still are. Working towards a dramatically end, it made its working hard. As they sat together, silently and working, they didn't look further than that moment. It might be over tomorrow. For today keep the spell up.
* * *
It was such a strange period, looking back at it made John feel strange, like he lost a bit of that memory. The days seemed to be too short for everything they wanted to do. The press seemed more annoying than ever and was making their lives a hell. The greatest trouble had John found in keeping it a secret for his own family, they all saw something was wrong, but John couldn't say anything, he promised it. He kept on walking the line between the real world and the dreamworld, the line between the lies and the truth.
Part Two : Friends Will Be Friends
John still sat in the car travelling towards Garden Lodge. His mind was on a million things, on memories now flowing so richly. After the announcement, things had changed, John was sure about that. He remembered Freddie trying to act as if nothing was wrong, but John hardly could. Their friendship was proven very strong in this period, and John had to admit he learned a lot of and in that period. Never he had felt a friendship so strong, but now it made him clear how much he lost. He lost a very good friend, a very special one. He still had a life to live, he had to find out who he was…Looking back into history, he could see someone so close to him, struggling to stand and to decide…what was a lie, what was the truth?
* * *
"You know Fred, there's so much more in life than just working," Freddie's so called husband Jim Hutton said. Freddie was playing with the food on his plate. He had met Jim in a club and was attracted to him. It was the first time he approached a man by himself instead of sending Paul Prenter, his personal manager, to him. Jim had looked at Freddie uninterested and told him to fuck off. The second approach of Freddie was a few club visits later and more successful and this time Freddie hadn't to fuck off. A new relationship was born. Freddie had found a strong person in Jim, one he could build on, but it took Freddie several years to admit it was that way. No real love-announcement was made, only the comment that Freddie had offered Jim a room and a place in his own created kingdom. "I know," Freddie only sighed. He was like a little child in his own little world. He had only the nerves of making this world grow, but now it looked like this world couldn't grow anymore and his life was shutting down. That made Freddie gave all his energy to his work, sometimes forgetting about the people around him. Wild parties were out of the question, friends only came by chance and some of the friends were kept out of sight, which was the choice of the king.
Even his closest colleagues/friends were not coming to often, John only came to Garden Lodge to work. John felt strange, the whole situation had changed now he knew what was wrong. Freddie was HIV positive, but wouldn't talk about it and wanted to keep on working like he was used to. John remembered a time working together with Freddie, having a lot of fun, joking around. Freddie wanted to work the same way as they were used to, but John doubted if it was a good idea. He kept on asking if Freddie didn't need any rest. Finally Freddie was annoyed by it: "Listen John, I'm not a cripple you have to take care of. I'm perfectly able to do what we used to do, I know how far I can go." "I hope so," John muttered under his breath. Freddie glanced at John and reacted with: "I heard that Johnnie…. Let's go on working, there's enough to do."
Another red letter day
So the pound has dropped and the children are creating
The other half ran away
Taking all the cash and leaving you with the lumber
Got a pain in the chest
Doctor's on strike what you need is a rest
It's not easy love but you've got friends you can trust
Friends will be friends
When you're in need of love they give you care and attention
Friends will be friends
When you're through with life and all hope is lost
Hold out your hands because friends will be friends right till the end
John really hoped he was so right with this. He could remember writing it, it was all he wanted from his friends, that they really would be friends when he needed them. John promised a few of his friends to be there when they needed him. He also promised Freddie, not right in his face, but secretly. John had the feeling Freddie knew about that promise inside John's heart. Freddie seemed to enjoy himself very well when John was there, he seemed to like it that John was around.
Now it's a beautiful day
The postman delivered a letter from your lover
Only a phone call away
You tried to track him down but somebody stole his number
As a matter of fact
You're getting used to life without him in your way
It's so easy love because you got friends you can trust
Friends will be friends
When you're in need of love they give you care and attention
Friends will be friends
When you're through with life and all hope is lost
Hold out your hands because friends will be friends right till the end
It was strange to see the moving within the band. John used to hang around with Brian more than with Freddie, but things had changed. Brian and Roger got more together and so did Freddie and John. John respected Freddie for all he did and for all he was. Freddie respected John for being there, for being so strong. Freddie leaned on John, he trusted him. John admired Freddie's strength, his will to go on. It was good to be together, they trusted each other and they could work together very well.
It's so easy love because you got friends you can trust
Friends will be friends
When you're in need of love they give you care and attention
Friends will be friends
When you're through with life and all hope is lost
Hold out your hands because friends will be friends right till the end
Friends will be friends
When you're in need of love they give you care and attention
Friends will be friends
When you're through with life and all hope is lost
Hold out your hands because right till the end
Friends will be friends
Freddie came up with the song, he was quite happy with it, but it wasn't finished yet. Freddie expected John to finish it with him. "Johnny, you're coming to me this afternoon? We have to finish that song." John was okay with it but wondered why Freddie kept on asking him and not Brian or Roger. John knew how much respect he had for Brian's song writing and John knew also Freddie respected Roger's as well. His first question was: "Why did you ask me to come and to finish the song?" He just arrived at Garden Lodge. Freddie just smiled and answered: "Aah, you know, darling. Do come on in." With one wave of his hand he waved the question away. Though John got his answer, not literally, but hidden in some sentences.
"You know Brian is nice, but he's slow." Freddie thought for a moment before saying with a smile: "Roger is slow as well, he's only making fun or fighting." John smiled back and had to believe Freddie.
"You know John, this is a good song. I'm quite a good writer, aren't I?" John just nodded and decided to discuss the lyrics. "I like the lyrics Fred. They're very honest, I like that. You know I so hope they're so true." Now it was Freddie's time to nod: "Yes, I hope it is true, as well." "I promise ya, I will be there when you need me." Freddie seemed happy with that, but he still didn't want to admit he needed some help sometimes. Freddie didn't feel sick, and as long he felt okay, he went on doing what he had to do.
Looking back on that song felt strange, but John still agreed with the lyrics. As the time had passed it made itself even more clear. It was written in a time John only thought there could something be wrong, he didn't know yet what it was. Now he knew, and the friendship stayed, it even got stronger.
It was amazing to see how Freddie kept on going, like his energy was still flowing non-stop thru his body. He looked very strong, but John was wondering if Freddie wasn't demanding too much from his body. Freddie never gave any reasons for anything, so he didn't for his hard fighting either. The only thing he said to John was: "I don't want to be remembered because of my death, but because of what I did in my life, my music. I didn't work that hard for my grandmother's cat!" "Of course not Fred." John felt sorry for Freddie. It was hard, not only the disease Freddie had to cope with, but also the press, they were a pain in the arse. Freddie hated the rumours, although it was true. He hated even more what they did to his family and his friends, v many of them still didn't know about his disease and Freddie wanted to keep it that way. John didn't know what to say, there was not much left to talk about. The whole situation was becoming a bit uncomfortable and painful. Finally Freddie jumped up, like he had a sudden energy shot: "C'mon John, there's enough left to do. Let's finish that song." It made John remembering his collaboration with Freddie, writing 'Friends Will Be Friends'. John followed him to the another great room, the room John knew as the working room. A piano was standing in front of a window. Beautiful white light felt from outside on the piano. The sight was just a fairy tale, John felt like living in a fairy tale. Freddie positioned himself behind the piano, putting the many papers on the standard. It didn't fit, too much papers and most of it slid of the standard onto the floor. John positioned himself next to the piano, picking up the papers and reading what they already had written. Freddie was in a good mood, in a working mood. John had a little trouble in following him all the time, so fast Freddie was working and moving through the song.
After a few hours hard working Freddie was getting fed up with it and he started joking and playing around. John knew when they had to stop and he decided they'd better finished it all tomorrow. John tried to start a conversation, but with Freddie very hyper it was almost impossible. Freddie couldn't sit down anymore and started running around, talking rapidly and replacing all kind of stuff. Soon he had changed the whole room, and he watched the result. Exhausting himself in dragging things back in place again, finally he sat down, too tired to do anything. John grabbed his chance and started the conversation. "Fred, was there a special reason you wrote 'Friends Will Be Friends'?" Freddie looked at John, thinking.
Freddie could answer in a million words without giving you the answer, John still knew nothing. John swore he could read Freddie's struggle for life, for the truth. Freddie was probably, just like him, struggling to find the line between the lie and the truth. It was hard, and it was even harder with the press making up new truths, new lies and a whole different world then John thought he was living in, nothing was sure. Or almost nothing was sure…The one thing John was very sure of was the friendship he could feel, though when he thought about it, it was a bit scary. Freddie and John became quite close to each other, so close that Brian and Roger were feeling like they were forgotten, not needed. Roger did everything for Freddie and Brian kept on visiting him and asking if he needed something. John was just there, working and talking with Freddie, trying to act like nothing was wrong. John felt a bit sorry for Brian and Roger, he felt like he was stealing their friend away, they knew him before him. It was very special, and it was very confusing as well. All John was trying was to feel the friendship, to understand what Freddie was saying, thinking and doing. He was only trying to find the way to walk, to learn the truth and to leave the lies. He had to know who he was, which life he had to live and how to cope with this situation.
"John, you know I don't let people come very near to me, don't you?" John looked up, surprised at the conversation Freddie was trying to start. It was nothing like Freddie, he wasn't used to talk about his feelings, and surely not like this. John nodded, it was the only think he thought of he could do. And it was the truth, Freddie never let someone come very near to him, only a few had those priviliges. Freddie was an enigma, who had no solutions, no answers, only questions. Freddie did what never was done before, he said what wasn't expected and he wasn't the man you think he was. He was someone else, an unknown person. Freddie liked hiding himself in his wealth, in his big house with assistants, with his own entourage. He was a king in his own right, but he was searching for something he hadn't got, but wanted to have. Someone had to give it to him, but he didn't know who. John tried to see what Freddie was thinking and finally encouraged him to say more after a moment of silence: "Go on…" Freddie looked up from out of his dreamworld, into the world of sorrow and liars. Freddie didn't feel safe anymore, people were trying to get into his life and friends were hard to find. He looked at the younger man besides him. John was peace, a stone, unmovable, the stone on which Freddie wanted to built his new dream. John was the man to who Freddie wanted to tell something, something very important. "This band is my life John, it's my life. I can't live somewhere else, I can't breath without the band, I need the band to be." Freddie didn't expected John to understand, he even didn't understand it himself, he only knew it was the truth. "John, I love what I do and I want to go on till I can't do it anymore. When it's done, I'm leaving." John watched the leader of his band, he sat there so small. Both were silently staring at the floor, counting their dreams and their hopes. They felt there was still something to live for, to fight for. The only thing they wanted was the truth, their friendship.
* * *
John smiled when he thought about that. The car drove up the drive before the house and halted a few meters from the door. Some people were standing there, talking to each other. It was still cold when John came out of the car and he shivered when the wind stroke his face. He put his hands in his pocket and walked to the door, trying to get into the warmth of the house as soon as possible. People were standing inside the great hallway, sipping carefully from their glasses with Champaign. John walked through the masses of people, in search for some people he knew. After a while he found himself sipping Champaign and talking about Freddie.
Part Three : The Show Must Go On
Everybody talked like nothing had happened, like Freddie was still there, though Brian was very silent and Roger didn't find any funny thoughts or jokes. John looked around the room to people talking, drinking and smiling neatly. This wasn't exactly what John was dreaming of when he was younger and joined Queen. John still preferred a quiet family life, though Queen had given him something else. John drifted away on the last magic moments with Freddie. He was surprised as he dreamed, how many magic moments Freddie still was giving, even though he was getting very weak.
* * *
"If that wasn't a kind of magic," Roger said after Freddie sang his vocals. "No, it's 'The Show Must Go On'," Brian joked. Roger poked out his tongue at Brian and turned as Freddie entered the control-room. "That was great Fred," Brian enthused and Roger agreed: "It was marvellous." John just sat there still enjoying the magic Freddie had given the song, he could do nothing but agree with Brian and Roger. "Thanks darlings," Freddie said. This was nothing like Freddie. Freddie wasn't used to thank them for compliments, he used to say simply 'I know'. Freddie was always perfectly aware of his talents and he had an air of arrogance around him about that. He still wasn't doubting his talents, but his soul didn't feel like saying 'I know' it just didn't seem right to Freddie. He was very thankful his voice was still there and actually getting better and he had promised himself, and the world as well, he would go on singing as long he could make any noise whatsoever. The tapes were rewound and the music started. Only the bass line and then Freddie's vocals. It danced thru the control-room, it made the people in there shiver, it had this fresh air of fallen hope and of a battle, the air of a losing singer still fighting to win. The words, very true in their meaning, were flowing in this godlike voice and were given another deeper meaning, so much as it meant anything. The song was perfect in it's context, in the situation the maker was in and the singer. Even still not finished the song was magical already, it was 'the Show Must Go On'.
John was contented with the song, it all seemed so right. The only thing they had done at it was recording the bass line the day before and this day Freddie had enough strength to come to the studio and did the vocals. Their working routine had changed. They used to record first the bass line and the drum parts, then Freddie would add his vocals and Brian's guitar solo would be add at the end. Then everything would be mixed and put together as a real song and that was it, the song was finished. This working routine was impossible now, Freddie came to the studio whenever he felt well enough to sing. He had chosen a few songs he wanted to sing as soon as possible, so the vocal tracks were there before even the bass line. Possibly Freddie felt there wasn't much time left to record, figured John. It felt strange to John to work this way, he had to adapt completely to the vocals, but it seemed to work out well. Something that John really amazed was Freddie's strength and energy. You could see how weak Freddie's body was, but still Freddie was fighting, working and recording like nothing was wrong. His voice seemed to get better every time. It was real magic when he sang, people in the control-room were fascinated by his voice as it danced through the air. He sounded so strong, hopeful, and yet desperate. John had felt a shiver going right down his spine as Freddie let his voice cry. Never before he had felt such admiration for something, but he couldn't touch it, he couldn't even point at it. That voice was tranquil as it stroked his ears and causing shivers and Goosebumps. John had loved the power the voice brought with it, but it sucked out all the energy of its listeners and left them wanted more of it. John had felt it and he couldn't let go, he wanted to hear more, but Freddie couldn't give more, he was totally exhausted.
"You should come John," Brian enthused: "It's wonderful." Brian was talking about the finished song 'The show must go on. He and Roger had finished it after both Freddie and John had left the studio. When John heard the song he had to admit, the song was great, exactly right. Freddie's voice was magnificent and the instruments gave the voice even more power and magic then it already had. It was a masterpiece in its own right. John listened breathless to the song.
Empty spaces, what are we waiting for
Abandoned places, I guess we know the score
On and on
Does anybody know what we are looking for
Another hero another mindless crime
Behind the curtain in the pantomime
Hold the line
Does anybody want to take it anymore
The first part of the song, an accurate description how it had felt. The music and the lyrics were right, it set the mood perfectly. John could feel the excitement before a performance, the nerves in his stomach. There was a bit of fair for the future, the body growing older and the time moving on with new, younger and still beautiful, strong people with their own tastes and choices, was there still enough place for a sudden old band called Queen?
The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
The fight could be heard as the music set in the chorus and Freddie joining in with the music. It was one of the stronger points of the song. It said so much about their past, and maybe the future? They certainly hoped so. John knew this part of the song was so true and hearing it Freddie sing it made it all truer.
Whatever happens I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know what we are living for
I guess I'm learning
I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free
Another truth; John felt like Brian wrote down his soul, but it touched them all so much, they understand exactly what Brian meant with it. Feeling the same, they fought, very true and very warm to be heard in this song.
The show must go on
The show must go on, yeah
Oooh inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
Yeah oh oh oh
Again the chorus. Freddie's voice still growing and giving another dimension to the song. The lyrics still true, very true. John felt it stronger and stronger, aching to be free.
My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly, my friends
The wings of time, their wings of the concerts they gave, the hope they still had and the past remembered as a fairy tale. As John looked back, remembering the young days, it was a true fairy tale in where they flew. That past and the memories gave them again the wings to fly.
The show must go on, yeah
The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On with the show
In this part Freddie's voice was growing stronger, more powerful, magic into the clouds, leaving you shivering and teary eyes. The music growing too taking you more to the highest cloud on where Freddie's voice was settles already. Then looking down to the last bit of this show;
I'll top the bill
I'll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the
On with the show
The show must go on
The last grow, Freddie's voice growing from the cloud into heaven, the music leaving him, giving him all the magic and power. This fight went on and on and on….
A long silence set in as the music faded away. A stunned silence not interrupted for a long time. Finally Roger started talking again: "Wow, aren't we great?" John sat there, stunned by the music and Freddie's incredible voice. He found no words to say and just sat still the music echoing in his head. He hadn't been that stunned since 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. It touched his soul and his heart just like 'Bo Rhap' had done and he knew, this was it.
It was the perfect truth, sang by a perfect voice with heart and soul. You could hear the pain, the fear, the hope and the strength of will in it. It was the song, which told Queen's feelings, for one time, very true.
* * *
"You want some more Champaign John?" John looked up in shock, his eyes were trying to get used to the real world again. Phoebe stood in front of him with the Champaign bottle in his hands. John finally realized what he had asked: "No, thank you." With a pleasant smile Phoebe shuffled to the next guest to repeat his question, John looked at it, thoughtfully. He looked around him, everybody talking. Many old friends of Freddie and Freddie's family. John looked down in his empty glass. The Champaign had disappeared, without John noticed it.
Part Four : These Are The Days Of Our Lives
The people around him were getting a bit annoying. John decided to go out the house to find himself a peaceful place where he could think. He found his way through masses of Champaign drinking people into the huge hallway. Even there were people drinking and talking as if nothing had happened. If John tried to imagine hard enough he could even see Freddie coming down the stairs and welcoming everybody in that so familiar voice: "Welcome dears, get some Champaign, there's enough for everybody. Hi honey, how are you?" His eyes filled with tears when he realized that wasn't possible and it made him wish he could go back to the old days to experience it again.
* * *
It was a normal day. Work had started on their new video 'These Are The Days Of Our Lives'. Brian had called John to tell him that they wanted to record the video, Freddie had called Brian he was strong enough. First Freddie was the only one who wanted to make this last video himself, the others weren't very sure if it was a good idea. Freddie didn't look that strong, actually he looked very weak and he needed a lot of rest. The three of them decided already 'These Are The Days' would get a video kinda like the video of 'the Show Must Go On', but Freddie insisted on making this video themselves, no old recordings, but everything new.
John arrived at the studio, he was the first one there. Roger would come quickly after him, then Brian and finally Freddie. In the studio people were already busy with setting up the stage, the few things they needed in this video. John watched the sober stuff, a few tom-tom's and a hi-hat for Roger and a few seats for John and Brian, nothing else. It was nothing like the stuff they were used to, to use. They decided the day before, it had to be a black and white video to cover Freddie's illness as much as possible. Freddie hadn't said it, but Brian, Roger and John could feel, Freddie saw this like a goodbye. Roger stood besides him, watching the sober stuff. Thoughts were going through his mind, longing to yesteryear already, on his face John could read it. They didn't want to talk, there was to less to say in this situation, both were scared of breaking something special or letting go of it. Brian came walking in, silently as well, glancing to his colleagues and catching the same feelings. It reminded them of their last gig in Knebworth, 5 years ago, their very last tour. It felt again very definite, an ending but not wanting to end.
Everything was ready for the shoot, only Freddie had to arrive. A soft conversation filled the studio, everybody trying to avoid talking about what was really going on. Freddie came in, slightly tired, but still elegant, still the king. "Okay dears, let's roll." Freddie was in a good mood, or was he hiding his true feelings, dared not like his colleagues to show his real feelings. One thing they were certain of, it had to be perfect, it had to be a perfect farewell.
Freddie was ready, standing there so small, he looked so vulnerable and weak but yet so strong. He was so thin, he looked like he was tranquil, so white. His eyes were dark in a white bony face, but his looks from his eyes were very strong. The music started, the show started, for the last time, Freddie's farewell.
Sometimes I get the feeling
I was back in the old days, long ago
When we were kids when we were young
Thing seemed so perfect, you know
The days were endless we were crazy we were young
The sun was always shining, we just lived for fun
Sometimes it seems like lately, I just don't know
The rest of my life's been just a show
Thinking of what used to be, the old days. They looked back in joy, they had their great moments and they celebrated many victories. They felt like Kings, or Queens, in their own kingdom, they were the champions of the world for a few moments and they were very proud of it. Those were the days of young and innocent dreams and hopes, of the ever lasting youth. But their lives were a strange history, more a show than a life. What were they? Were they the persons with their wishes, their dreams and their emotions? Or were they only the artists fighting for recognition and victory? Or maybe the businessmen, trying to earn their pay, to get rich?
Those were the days of our lives
The bad things in life were so few
Those days are all gone now but one thing is true
When I look and I find I still love you
A lot has happened, a lot was still unclear and many things turned out to be illusions. But one thing they knew was their friendship, they knew which people really loved them.
You can't turn back the clock you can't turn back the tide
Ain't that a shame
I'd like to go back one time on a roller coaster ride
When life was just a game
No use in sitting and thinking on what you did
When you can lay back and enjoy it through your kids
Sometimes it seems like lately, I just don't know
Better sit back and go with the flow
All four of them had wished they could go back to the old days, when everything was simple, but they knew it was not possible. They had to go on and give the past a place in their hearts. They knew they couldn't go back, but they could take the past with them and they could show the world what they did. They still felt the magic of the early days, even though it had changed.
Because these are the days of our lives
They've flown in the swiftness of time
These days are all gone now but some things remain
When I look and I find no change
Those were the days of our lives, yeah
The bad things in life were so few
Those days are all gone now but one thing's still true
When I look and I find
I still love you
Freddie felt there was nothing more to say, the only thing left was…
I still love you
His eyes closed. He stood there, that was it. Freddie tilted his head slightly, he turned to Roger, then to Brian. A little smile on his face, a meaningful smile. Roger shut down his eyes and bend his head, as if he was ashamed of something. Brian didn't dare to look at Freddie, and shifted uncomfortable on his place. Freddie finally sighed and spoke softly: "Let's go and get something into our throat." John awoke suddenly by this sentence. Freddie had broken the spell, the magic. John watched him walking out of the set and heading for the door. John looked at Roger who had tilted his head and looked with surprise and confusion in his eyes. John was sure if Freddie hadn't said anything, Roger would have drowned himself in that magic. Brian looked as surprised and confused as Roger. He watched bewildered around him, trying to decide what to do next. John was the first who came from his spot and followed Freddie to the canteen. Roger woke slightly and moved his body to feel how stiff he got. Brian looked down at his guitar in sorrow, as if he was sorry he stopped playing. After a while he put his guitar lovingly away, and followed Roger to the canteen where Freddie and John had gotten themselves some tea. Freddie was laughing and talking as if nothing was wrong. But he looked so fragile behind that table. He was thin and white, close to tranquil. He had rings around his eyes which told the others Freddie was tired and Brian was the first who suggested to bring Freddie back home. Freddie protested for a short time, but gave up when the others wouldn't stop with coming up with more arguments why he should go home. Brian had already decided he would bring Freddie back, even when Roger kept on protesting. It was okay with John and he promised Freddie he would come along one day. Freddie nodded gladly and let him be led away by Brian. When the two were away Roger and John looked at each other. They both had felt the magic again, the magic only Freddie could give. They still wanted more, but they couldn't get more. Freddie was nothing more then the soul which wanted to go on till the body broke down. The body was close to breaking down. Both Roger and John knew that, they were only waiting for the day that would happen.
* * *
Looking back he thought about the day. Throughout the whole song John had felt strange. He could only watch Freddie standing there, still doing a few Freddie moves. John was amazed by that performance, you could see his illness, but also his determination to carry on as long as possible, and maybe a bit longer. Freddie's eyes were speaking even more than ever before, it meant a lot for Freddie to do that video, and you could read that in his eyes. 'I still love you' were his last words. In one shot, and it was perfect.
John still stood there in front of the great elegant hallway. No Freddie to be seen, only talking and laughing people drinking their Champaign. John needed to get out, to get some fresh air. He headed to the door and smell the fresh air coming his way.
Part Five : A Fading Star
John looked back at the night they called him. That night was strange and John swore he saw a star shining brighter than all the others, a star he had never seen before. It even seemed to smile down at him. John thought of calling Brian to ask him to look at the sky and tell him what the fuck he was seeing. He lay there for a while on his stomach and still looking up, considering whether he would call Brian or not. When he finally reached for the phone it rang. John pulled back, frightened, doubting if should pick up the phone or not.
John looked up at the sky again. This cold november night, a few days after Freddie's death. The star was still in the sky, shining bright and smiling down on John. It was the proudest star John ever saw and he smiled back.
* * *
Late at night, press and fans were staying around a house. The press too curious, the fans too worried. Inside the house lay a man on an immense bed accompanied by a cat. The room was quiet, only the breath of the man was heard in the soft lightened room. Silk armed the skeleton, which used to be a strong body. Eyes, not seeing anything were troubled, dark and drowsy. The once much expressive thin hands lying on the silk, without any moving. There was not much life left for this man. A life behind him had left him famous and rich, but sometimes so lonely. The last month had given him the things he had looked for his whole life, the warmth, friendship and trust from loving people, he had finally found his place. His soul was getting ready to leave the weak body. It was crying by the sight of the body, tortured by awful pains. The soul was making his last trip through the big elegant house to meet the people who cared about him the most, though they weren't all there. The soul was looking down on the body. The body was weak, almost dead, the soul was strong, very alive. But the soul knew it had to go, it had to discover knew levels. Going on without the body, it was ready for the new adventure. It made its last tour through the house. First leaving the elegant room, with the great bed and the body in it. It headed to the stairs, floating down the soft whisper of two people. It stroked silently the cheek of the man who led the other person out of the house. The soul floated around him, giving the last kisses. "Jim?" A voice called the man and he turned from the soul to the other man. "Jim, what did he say?" "The G.P.? He said we better wait with calling Bomi and Jer, Freddie might be better later." The other man nodded and cast down his eyes to the floor. After a moment silence the man said: "Let's go changing Freddie's pyjama." The G.P. had said: "Don't call his parents, he might get a bit better again." The assistant, Phoebe, and the 'husband', Jim were standing there. They're mind was occupied by the man in the bed. "C'mon," said Jim quietly as he walked to the stairs: "Let's change that pyjama." Phoebe agreed and followed quietly. The man was still lying in the same position as the G.P. had left him, on his back. Somehow he looked very peaceful. The body was turned over to get off the pyjama he was wearing, hands feeling and unbuttoning. Suddenly the hands withdrawn and a quiet voice said: "Phoebe, he's gone."
The soul floated out the house, it knew what to do. It left an old life in which he experienced fame, wealth and loneliness. The soul knew this life was the only life it could live. The body couldn't do more and the same was with the soul. It did what it had to do. The soul remembered the young guy who was looking for his identity, didn't find it and made his own identity; Freddie Mercury. He had to live the life of this artist, he had to be Freddie Mercury, even though he had wished many times he was someone else. He knew from the very start it had to go like this. He knew he would become famous and rich, he knew he had to live this life, he knew he would die so young. It was faith, faith had brought him to these experiences and he could look back at great times of friendship and love, but also at fights and pain. The soul headed for new experiences, waiting at a place high in the sky for a body to take him away on a new journey.
* * *
John wished again he could share this feeling with Freddie, that he could ask; 'Hey, do you feel this too?' He looked at the star and smiled; "Hey Fred, I know you're there somewhere." John felt finally contented and tried to keep that feeling. "Hey Fred, I'm proud of ya." The star smiled and winked at John.
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